What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Why do some children hate their parents?

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

I was 9 years of age.

Which document should be pointed out to a holocaust denier?

She found it foreign!.

She married twice! .

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Have you ever been physically attacked by a demon?

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

Was to survive, this bastard.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

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But ive been too sick for many years..

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

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This is how, and why children get BPD.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

What was your first gay male experience?

And who doesn’t know suffering?

He knew the spot.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Why did i forgive my father ?

Put me off passion for life!!

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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

What happens to adults with Down syndrome when their parents can't look after them any more?

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

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But it wasn’t much.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

And i lived it daily.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

She wouldn,t have been !

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

So whats the point in blame.

What did i know ?

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

All the time i was locked up.

As i do to all so called friends.?

On the 31st of Jan this month .

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

She was in good health!

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Would this be the day?

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

I was seconnd youngest,

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

I know ,a lot about trauma.

I was very sick at this time too.

I was scared of men, in general

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

But, we were locked up after school.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

I write beautiful poetry .

He was dying to do it , i knew.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

My life is so biszare .

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

We were not on the streets..

Comes on , in middle age.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

I think the readers, may guess!

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

It was going to be , some day.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

I could never make a relationship work though!

He resisted the act ,that day.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Who then, do I blame.?

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Im still living with it.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

So, i spoilt her more .

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

I never cut or harmed myself..

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

One cannot live in the past .

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

(And it was in our own minds.)

When she asked me how she looked .

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I said to her

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

I waited trembling.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

My family never makes their pension either.

I have no regrets .

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

She loved him until the end.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I will be 64.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Especially a lifetime of it.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

This is soul school!.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

We all went to grammer schools

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I don,t even have a pension.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

I couldn’t, believe it.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Ive learnt so much.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.